Dec 082011

I’m not a very good wife or mother sometimes.  My husband knows through my tone, attitude and words that I don’t like what he just did.  The kids are arguing and I raise my voice and tell them to stop fighting.   I struggle with sin and make mistakes.  At times I feel like I really blow it.  I use to get really down on myself (I still occasionally do).  I know that I’m forgiven etc., but so much of my identity can be wrapped up in being a wife, mother, and a homemaker.

Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like you aren’t doing anything right?  Besides struggling with sin, you’re struggling with keeping things together, you’re behind in your commitments, there are so many things that you feel like you should do, but you’re not able to.  You ask yourself how come so and so are able to do this, but not me?  Do you get down on yourself?  Do you find yourself questioning whether you are a good wife? mom? home-maker?  etc.?

Where is your identity or self-worth found?

How do you think of yourself? What is your identity tied to… being a wife, a mother, a friend, a homeschooler, a  homemaker, a writer, a ____________?

Being a wife and mother can be consuming.  It requires so much of our time, and if we’re honest, I believe much of our identity can be wrapped up in these two things.  The fact that you’re taking time to read this article means that you care about being a good wife and/or mother.

Don’t misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with desiring to do and be our best in those different areas.  It is a blessing to be a wife and a mother and it’s important to take our roles and responsibilities seriously and to do our best – do everything unto the Lord.  We can, though, get caught up in these things.  Desiring so much to be the best at all these things can cause us to lose sight of what is most important and also cause us to be overly discouraged when things in these areas are not going well.

As we all have experienced, there will be days when we struggle. Sometimes this is a result of something we have done, other times it’s a result of others or circumstances.  If we are honest, we also compare and/or look at what others are doing or not doing or what is going on in their lives and compare ourselves and our lives to theirs.

Our self-worth and identity should not be tied to how well we think those things in our life are going.  We are daughters of the King!  This is where our identity and worth can be found.  Nothing and no one else can ever take that away.  There is such tremendous freedom in knowing this.

We know that we belong to God!   He loves us completely and unconditionally!  We don’t need to do or be anything in order to have His love.  No matter what is going on, He accepts and loves us.  You can count on Him no matter what.   We can take encouragement, too, from knowing that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it! (Philippians 1:6)

What a difference finding our identity in Christ can make in our lives.   We will worry less and trust more.  We will seek Him and His wisdom/ guidance and not the approval of others.

Here is an I AM poem that you could print out to remind you of who you are in Christ.


A Child of God
Romans 8:16

Colossians 1:13-14

Saved By Grace Through Faith
Ephesians 2:8

A New Creature
2Corinthians 5:17

Redeemed from the Hand of the Enemy
Psalms 107:2

Led by the Spirit of God
Romans 8:14

An Heir of God and a Joint Heir with Jesus
Romans 8:17

An Inheritor of Eternal Life
1 John 5:11-12

Getting All My Needs Met in Jesus
Philippians 4:19

Strong in the Lord and the Power of His Might
Ephesians 6:10

Walking by Faith and Not by Sight
2 Corinthians 5:7

Bringing Every Thought Captive
2 Corinthians 10:5

Being Transformed by a Renewed Mind
Romans 12:1-2

The Light of the World
Matthew 5:14

Daughters of the King, I truly believe that if we keep things in perspective, focus maybe a little less on our other roles and what is or isn’t happening and more on our identity in Christ, the result will be happier, more joyful homes!

Melanie is wife to Tyler; married 15 years. She is a homeschooling mom to two precious children.  She is passionate about many things including her faith, living life purposefully, and parenting.  Her passions and a prompting from God led her to start Passionate Purposeful Parenting, a website created to try to help encourage and equip parents.  She is a lover of wisdom and enjoys spending time with friends and family (especially in God’s creation), camping, attending cultural events (doesn’t happen too often), and being physically active. We are grateful that Melanie also contributes here at Habits for a Happy Home.

  23 Responses to “Where is your identity found? by Melanie Robbins”

  1. “We will worry less and trust more.” (Huge sigh of relief!) Oh what freedoms when we place our faith in Him! What He can do is limitless. Yet, as you’ve explained, when we are striving to be our best in one of these roles (or all!) we will always be disappointed with our own strength and abilities. Thank you, thank you for this Melanie. Right here in this blessedly busy season – and in the regular day to day – I’ve found myself hanging my head in weariness. I am pasting your I AM poem and printing!!

  2. I agree, Tricia, there are amazing freedoms when we place our faith and our identity in Him! 🙂 I have loved the I AM poem! I printed this poem out for my children as well and it’s hanging up in their rooms. I so desire for them to find their identity in Christ as well.

  3. I’m realizing this same thing as I go through the Excellent Wife bible study. My first thought was, I don’t have to focus on my husband, I need to focus on God. Then my second thought was, I don’t have to focus on myself either, I need to focus on God. Once I got that thought process in my head, I wanted to focus on my husband in a loving, healthy manner. It’s been amazing to see and feel the Holy Spirit working in my life. Thank you for writing your thoughts out so eloquently! XOXO

    • As we focus on God, He transforms us into His image and our desires become His desires for us (to be an excellent wife ;)) and He helps us to be that! Love hearing about how the Holy Spirit is working in your life! Thank you for sharing, Alicia!

  4. Thanks for this timely reminder Melanie. I was just having that conversation with myself this morning. “Gosh I am a rotten mother. I wonder if so-and-so ever loses it like I do…” Really needed this today!

    • So happy to hear that it was a timely reminder for you, Kendra! I’ve had those type of conversations with myself too. 😉 Thank you fso much or letting me know it was an encouragement to you!

  5. I was so worried that due to our circumstances of great loss, that I was being robbed of being the best mom and wife I had dreamed of being as a young woman. I was angry in general, because I was not in control of the circumstances that were causing me deep grief. I had to cling to a God I could not see and rest in His grace to get me through each day, even though I felt like a total failure and I felt so useless in my sorrow. I looked at others who were grieving too, and I was so down because I felt they were doing a better job than me. Just recently, someone came up to me and said, “your girls are always so happy” and asked me, “how do you do it”? I literally laughed out loud! Not out of sarcasm, but out of joy, that God had covered me in my valley of grief! It’s true, what you write here Melanie, that we can rest in our identity in Christ and His grace can truly cover us, and He can still use us and our develop gifts in being daughters of the King, even when we feel like we are unable, HE IS ABLE!!!!! He is our strength when we are weak, we need Him because we are so needy! He loves us so much! This is an inspiring article for me to keep seeking my identity through Christ and not man. What a relief to read this and have my own convictions confirmed through another sister in the Lord. I love you Melanie.

    • Kristin, you have such a beautiful heart… thank you for being so transparent! You’re so right that His grace covers us. A prayer I pray often is “Save them (my kids) from me (my flaws, weaknesses etc.) and GRACE them with YOU! 🙂 That is wonderful that it was a confirmation for you, my friend! I love you too, Kristin!

  6. Melanie, great article! I hope that you will re-post it on PPP at some point. I know that I struggle with these same things, but when we focus on Christ instead of ourselves and our circumstances, then the clear path presents itself in love. I find myself apologizing a lot for my actions, but wouldn’t it be better to do the right thing the first time and not have to apologize at all? It’s the rock tumbler of life my friend.

  7. Thank you, Susan! Thanks for the suggestion about reposting it on Passionate Purposeful Parenting. Yes, I agree, it would be better to do the right thing the first time and not have to apologize at all. I know God is working in me and transforming me into His image…it’s a process. My part is to daily be spending time with and abiding in Him, allowing Him to work and yielding and choosing to obey! It’s such a blessing knowing, though, how much He loves me regardless and all that I am in Him.

  8. Imagine if we all lived our lives like the nobility we truly are! We are the queens of our castles and I’m so glad you reminded me. Today I will focus on breathing rather than responding.
    It’s so nice to hear your thoughts!

  9. Beautiful article my beautiful friend. I can see God working out all these truths in you. I too am growing and learning so much about my identity in Christ not in what I do or in my position or how I feel. I was just reading Romans 8 this morning, one of my favorite passages:
    9 You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

    12 Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, 14 because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.[g] And by him we cry, “Abba,[h] Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

    Message (if the paraphrase doesn’t offend you this gives great insight)
    9-11But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God’s terms. It stands to reason, doesn’t it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ’s!

    12-14So don’t you see that we don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

    • Thank you so much, dear friend! Thank you, too, for sharing from Romans! God’s Word says it best! What a blessing it is when we, as daughters of the King, encourage one another in this!

  10. Boy, you really know how to read my mind!

  11. Awesome post and Wonderful reminder in reference to what a woman after GOD’s own heart needs to focus on in regards to who and what she is in relation to GOD! Thank You for sharing this with us!

    • Thank you, Angie! It is my pleasure and privilege to write for Habits. I glean so much from reading the posts on Habits and it is such a blessing to have gotten to “know” some of the writers’ hearts through the articles… such beautiful, godly women! So appreciate your desire to serve God and encourage others!

  12. Thank you so much for this article, I love the confirmation of the Lord. I struggle with this very thing often and this reminder to just lean on our Father and focus on Him is greatly encouraging. I know I can do all things through Jesus, even being the best wife/mom that I can possibly be. I want my children to know His grace even when I may not show it because of my “self”.

  13. You are more than welcome, Felina! it is my privilege and pleasure! I am so glad to hear that it was an encouragement to you! You are right, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! Blessings on you and your family as you continue to seek Him and His will for your family! He loves you so much and His grace is sufficient!

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